04.09.16 + 00:50
birds cackling by a tree-lined plateau overlooking foggy hills
Strange that in the past 6 years that I have not written here that I would not even think to mention Chupa's death. She passed over 2 years ago now in February. Or was it March. It was cold and snow was on the ground and there was blood. This poor beautiful creature was sick with something and after I kicked her for relieving herself on the stairs, it ruptured something in her and blood came out everywhere. She was so special to me and that's how I let her go from the world. I sat next to her crying for 2 days. She passed sometime the next day. It was awful. Forget the emotional torment I had endured with Isabelle. This was something altogether separately awful. After Isabelle, I began to let go of myself and tune out. Drop out. I haven't thought to write down my thoughts in years. I am now 38 years old. I started this when I was 22 I think. Writing was to be something of importance in my life. And now I rarely reflect. It hurts to reflect. I came here with a purpose so here goes: Working at the museum still. My old boss grew tired of my quiet dissonance. He handed me my hat to another department. Fell in with another department to create my own area of work. Its very strange and lonely. I don't mind being alone. I miss Chupa. I miss being on Isle Royale alone. So much time has passed and is continuing to fly by. I can't help but feel I am doing little to keep positive meaning in my life. I just sit back and observe. Let the days pass. Try to idly occupy myself. I've ruined almost every relationship I have. These sentences barely flow together. This makes for poor reading. I put my consciousness in my mind's spotlight. There is nothing interesting about that. But this is where I sit. Watching the world. Just biding my time. My biggest regret is hurting Chupa. Her leaving this world as she did. She was so important to me. I had no idea and despite my best efforts I ended up taking her for granted. My thoughts are scattered here. I wanted to talk about what is going on in my life. I am getting really self-conscious about writing "I" and "me" so much. I am focusing on myself so much here but I guess this is exactly what I need right now. I have been ignoring myself. My emotions. My needs. I have not been thinking about my future in any real tangible way. After Chupa and Isabelle, I told myself I was going to leave this world. And in one of the darkest periods of my life I sat and fell bitterly sad. I am slowly beginning to see some light again. My job gives me a lot of room to breathe. Feel like I am digging myself out of some rubble. I had what I am sure I would have characterized as an indomitable spirit, but alas, I eased my grip on life. I stopped fighting quite so hard. I tried very hard to learn how to take it easy and quit being so intense. Trying to dust myself off so to speak and gain some perspective here. I laid in bed last night thinking about doing just this so that I could assess my life and focus on what needs doing. Here are some of the features of my current landscape. The national spokesperson for the Satanic Temple is on me about being friends so that she can exploit our friendship somehow. I just want a non-quid pro quo friendship. But she has an agenda and a dreams she aims to achieve. That's a little bit of a pressure. Jen, a young painter who I have been sleeping with on and off for 4 years moved to Alaska. I told her I didn't want to be together anymore and she decided she needed to be quite far away. Can't say I blame her. We had always talked about moving some place far away from Detroit. She has always been more brave than me in that regard. I like her. But I am not in love with Jen. I love being physical with her. And I like and maybe even love her as a person. The problem comes when we goto interact emotionally. There is no dialogue. There is little in the way of conversation. We simply do not share with one another on any meaningful level. We are quite shallow with one another. And it sucks. I've always hated having such a light existence with her but our friendship is like a warm familiar blanket that sucks to not have when you feel a chill. Perhaps that speaks poorly about my ability to turly empathize with other human beings. Especially someone who has shared so much time and trouble with me. So that is a pressure I am feeling. She is a distant hill that I see far away. But I feel her presence in my life still even though we don't ever speak. My family. My parents still drive me mad. I have a very contrived relationship with my parents. I interact with them on the terms that I dictate and don't wish to interact much deeper. Their close proximity to me means we have to interact more than I care to these days. This is a pressure I sometimes feel. My father's violence still echos in my boyhood memories. It blankets everything I see and do. Like a tar that I can never seem to be rid of. That is a pressure in my life. People at work are not exactly helpful or interested in my work. That said, no one is outright disrespectful to my face either. The goals I am setting out to achieve personally are somewhat lofty and I am not entirely sure how to go about achieving them. I am constantly thinking about programming and technology and trying to figure out my next steps at work so that I don't fuck up and miss something. My tardiness and absenteeism has become pretty terrible over the last couple of years. Any comp time I had has long since been used. I work maybe 24 hours a week now. I goto work maybe 3 days. Sometimes less. I just don't see the point sometimes. Things are getting better. I made a move to create an office space for myself and that made things a bit more hopeful. Some semblance of positivity anyway. These are some trees I find myself in these days. Speaking of trees, I have been jogging through parks regularly these days. My commute is quite lovely. I take a greenway the whole way. Either a 30 minute jog or a 20 minute bike ride. This is one of my favorite things about my life right now. My shoes are falling apart though and my bike is my dead-ex girlfriends from 11 years ago. I feel awful about it. I have equipment from work at home. I don't intend to keep it but I probably shouldn't have it. But if it were at work it would be collecting dust so at least I am doing something productive with it. It adds to my life. Me happier is better for the museum. I feel bad about the piano I took home and leant to a coworker who I later fired. That Wurlitzer piano is likely to never return to the museum. Part of me feels like it should be some sort of consolation prize for him. That's in the air. Kind of like a fog that hangs in hills far away. Obscuring something. I've been eating slightly better. Salads and the like. For awhile there it was pizza and beer almost every other night. Now its once a week or maybe once every other week. Money is so tight still. And this is the biggest obstacle I am facing these days. My student loan debt. If I start to pay it I will find myself quickly having to move. I don't have enough money to pay rent now as it is. If I add another big bill on top of that I will have nothing. I can't move again. I don't live in a fancy place. I don't want a room mate. Just scared / nervous about that. But I am 38, I need to get this finance stuff straight. I keep avoiding finding a relationship because I can't support myself let alone treat someone else the way I think they should be treated. These are some thorns under my feet as I walk through this landscape. I hooked up with a coworkers best friend. She went down on me and sucked my dick a few times. It was nice. She has great tits and is fun to talk to. But I feel like we are cut from different cloth. She has no interest in creativity. Not sure that I identify with her idea of fun. That notwithstanding, the fact that she is a coworkers best friend makes things especially sticky because said coworker apparently had feelings for me. And I was blind to that fact and am now irritated. Not that I would have wanted to know but I might perhaps have treated this person differently had I understood exactly what their feelings were for me. I certainly don't feel comfortable being around them anymore. Kind of a bummer. But that's life and I need to take care of myself. These are some annoying birds cackling like idiots at the late night city lights. I worry about my health a little. I need to eat better. Drink less. These thoughts are so shallow and to the point. I can't stretch out with my thought. I want to hold a few ideas and let them breathe. Form a larger perspective. I tend to be very tunnel vision. I fantasize about expressing myself musically again. I look forward to that happening. I don't want to force it. I know it should be practice but I am not sure how I should approach it. Just checking boxes in a midi grid is not exactly romantic. It can be stirring in the end result but I think I am missing something more live. This is a good realization to be having. I am here. I am ready for the next chapter.