29.11.16 + 21:28
her green eyes
so I have decided this blog is my dumping ground for heartache caused by women I am infatuated with. 15 years of fucking drivel and heart ache on here. I've ignored my talents. Laid bare my innermost feelings. Paid witness to some important events in human history.
Here I am again. Writing. A women has brought us together in this moment. Caitlin. She is everything. More than Isabelle. More than Samra. More than Linda. I don't mention Jen because she will always be special to me in an actual friend way. My friend Tiffanie asked me, "so what does this girl have? Why do you even like her?"
Caitlin: she likes me and she is stunningly beautiful. FUCKING stunning. That is not and cannot be all this amounts to. And that's why we are here talking right now. I must get to the bottom of this because she has got me in knots. This woman. Tonight she had class and we often hang out after. She went to a memorial ceremony for a fallen police officer. Posted a nice sentiment about it online after class then went home and snapped me an amazing shot of her bust. It made my heart beat faster. Every. Time. I see. Her. CHEST.
This cannot be all this is. I am smarter than this.
Caitlin. She has a boyfriend! I know what you are thinking. I am not a fan of infidelity. But I am also not a fan of how barbaric and ridiculous humanity is. The woman lives in fear of upsetting her boyfriend but she completely pursued me. Not the other way around. I am not interested in breaking up relationships. She indicated to me that they were 0j the outs. And just when things were getting hot and heavy between us she ended up sleeping with her boyfriend again. I really hope I am not just a part of their bedroom antics.
She is an artist, a painter. I highly respect that skill. She has a great voice for singing. Somewhere between now and 2007 I went to music school for singing. I mention this because I can't recall if I mentioned it. I am enamored with musicians with natural talent. It is fascinating to me. The beautiful childhoods they must have had. Naive but still, music was there for them.
She can sing. Beautifully. I know she is sensitive.
Still I am 12 years older than her. That is a thing. I am not happy about it. Women that age are not my thing. It just happens. And yes, I usually end up just being frustrated at how immature and inexperienced they are but that's life right.
Her birthday is 2 weeks away exactly. She was born 5 days before me and 12 years after me. 5-12. 512. 12-12-90. 3+3+3+3=12 X 12 = 124 there are 2 of us minus my age 38 = 36 - 124 = 90
The name of our galaxy.
She is everything to me.
This is total high school romance and I hate how much it moves me. I had been single for so long and was feeling comfortable being on my own. Now this. I asked her tonight if it was OK that I had feelings for her. She didn't respond directly. Only boobs.
I am very sensitive and intense. I have questions. Desires to speak. To discuss. But I will sit on it and stew. Things will boil beneath the surface and they will have to come out eventually.
What do I like about Caitlin? She looks up to me in some way. Lately, I feel I have been so cross-eyed over her that there hasn't been much for her to look up to. Its frustrating. I am on my knees for her and feel like she has dismantled my ability to stand on my own feet and be strong. She is my kryptonite. I lived without her for a long time and I can live without her further. She does not define me. I am not who I am because of this person.
She has a dark streak. Obviously she can be deceptive and do bad things. I am terrible in that I am cultivating these traits in her like some kind of sith master. I am showing her how to bend the rules, how to escape accountability, how to subvert and disrupt. She kindly waits for my fucking babykins to fall to the way side. yes babykins. That is the melting that she causes to any masculinity that comes to me naturally. It melts and like a fucking dog I lay on my back and turn my belly skyward for her in submission. But I am not submissive. It is confusing to let her thing otherwise.
We have had sex 3 times. The first time, was one of the best intimate encounters I have ever had. We couldn't stand not being with each other. Some how we stripped down and she was on top of me. In my living room. She sucked my dick the first time. I made her do it a second time because I thought she'd get off on it. I was too nervous to cum every time. She makes me nervous. I can't settle with this one. She makes me nervous. Something doesn't sit well with me and now I have a headache.