29.12.16 + 20:59
Problems we all got em
I long for you every hour. It's obvious your life is easier without me. You have someone to touch you when you need it. To provide you comfort. I'm just an escape turning into a distraction.
I ask you direct questions and you ignore me. I look for direct interaction and you ignore me. It's very clear one of two things is happening, you want nothing to do with me. Or you are waiting till I come back to deal with me face to face.
I don't exist just face to face. I came half way across the country to forget about you. To let things that were wild and hot out of control simmer down. So what's next?
You had a hot romantic birthday with your BF. You likely have something fun planned for NYE. Something without me. Something where I am not a big part of your life.
I didn't expect to have these feelings for you but you flipped the script and made it clear you like me. I was fine just having no feelings and being alone. I was fine alone. You taught me a lesson. One I hope not soon to forget. People have precious feelings. I take them for granted with other women just as you are with me. I feel this is some sort of karmic revenge you are enacting on the hearts I have broken.
I know this is not over by a long shot. But I need to be careful in how I proceed. I want something sustainable and tangible with you.
I have seen 4 falling stars since my birthday. I noticed that you were at the forefront of my mind each time I saw one. But I can't tell any of this to you. I can't share my feelings with you. You are busy with school, two jobs and holidays and family and failing relationships. I want to be nothing at this time but a gentle soothing breeze in your life that you are thankful for when it comes and realize you didn't know you were missing it.
In unrelated news, I finished reading Barsk. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. It was interesting but felt forced and contrived somehow. You get through half the book trying to understand who the hell all of these stupidly named species are and why they are talking animals only to realize that humans invented them and instead of it being a big revelation ah ha moment, you are just pissed at the writer for not revealing this key info earlier. As a fly on the wall in the story you are scratching your head in annoyance for half the book. Pizlo was an interesting character. The best part of the book is that he foresaw THE SILENCE and wasn't terrified of it. As the reader we assume gruesome things but to this small child the very real terror was something he knew well: being ignored by others. He empathized strongly with the antagonist for having to undergo the silent fate. Pizlo was the best part of the book. A little albino elephant who could talk to the moons and could feel no pain, much to his own detriment.