Sitting in the car in South Carolina with my parents listening to terrible basic synthesized Christmas music. It is my birthday. I'm obsessed with a woman who has a boyfriend. I agonize over her at any given moment. This is totally a bit of an extreme focus for me. I'm not typically quite so laser focused on another person. I wonder what she is doing. What she is thinking about. I'm alone on my birthday and feeling very vulnerable and baby like. It's crazy. I feel so foolish. Feel very strange. Keep thinking of killing myself and feeding myself to sharks. I speak to no one about this.

I don't have the ability to shrug off depression with thoughts of happiness. But I will try.

I remember swimming in a pool in summer and holding my breath in the deep end. Peaceful. Open eyes to the chlorinated water. Watching stillness. Heartbeat slows. Feeling refreshed.