20.12.16 + 21:53
peace in the storm
Could this holiday get any worse? Grandpa, poor fella, drank too much beer at dinner and threw up in the restaurant. He was so embarrassed. You live 95 years and then you just get to feel like a fool. Its not right. Tipped the waitress $25. Not sure what the asshole tax is on throwing up in a restaurant. They were very sweet and were genuinely concerned on his health.
Rode home thinking about Jen and saw an email from her. Been exchanging some steamy notes lately. I was excited to see a reply from her and decided to save it for when I got home. Glad I did because it was not good. She has a new lover and wanted to disclose that to me. Wasn't sure what she expects of me. But it made my heart sink. Karma is all I can think. I never treated her as well as I should have. To be fair to me, she was very quiet and not outspoken about anything. I wanted, no craved to hear about her personal life and schooling only to be met with silence and depression. I did not push and I did not pry. Instead we had sex and barely communicated about anything substantial. But in all of that there was a lot of genuine caring and almost never any ill feelings. 4 years off and on we carried on like that. Just nice times mostly sprinkled with some frustration and miscommunication. But never any significant fighting. We argued once or twice. But nothing really amounted of it. I never wanted to be mean to her or share any ill feelings with her. My previous relationship had had enough of that. So I guess that is it. I am truly on my own again. Not sure how this happened. Further, a lot of family is coming into town to share some time with us for the holiday. Fortunately, I will have the beach to escape to and enjoy. I feel like a tsunami is about to hit shore and there is nowhere to go. So I must ready myself. Meditate and prepare for the oncoming doom! Prepare for the worst right. I must take time to meditate during my morning run tomorrow. I will run 3 miles. Meditate 10 minutes or more and run back 3 miles. I look forward to this. I need to meditate on my future. My purpose. My hopes for the next year. I must be thankful for my existence. I will find peace in the storm.